By Keili Mistovich, MD, MPH, FAAP, FABPS — Zest co-Founder and Chief Medical Officer, Zest Pediatrics of Beachwood
Let’s talk about gratitude. But instead of focusing on starting early and teaching our kids gratitude from a young age, let’s talk about what it looks like when our kids grow. When our kids are little, teaching gratitude is fairly straightforward. We remind them to say thank you, help them write a note to Grandma, and praise them when they share. These small acts begin to take hold and hopefully, our kids start demonstrating gratitude without prompting.
As kids get older, gratitude starts to look different. Tweens and teens don’t need as many reminders, and they don’t always appreciate them either. They are also able to understand gratitude in a much bigger way. They begin to see that it can take many forms: a thank-you note, a text to a friend who helped them through a hard week, noticing the parent who drives them to practice every day, or volunteering their time for someone in need.
Older kids also start to learn that showing gratitude feels good. When we thank someone, they get to feel appreciated, and that is a wonderful thing to give. The person expressing gratitude benefits too. There is real science behind this, and it is one of the reasons gratitude is such an important part of an integrative approach to health.
What Gratitude Does in the Body
It calms the stress response. The tween and teen years come with real stress: academic pressure, shifting friendships, too little sleep, homework for days, and phones that never stop buzzing. When the stress response stays switched on, the body stays on high alert, with more cortisol, a faster heart rate, and a shorter fuse. Gratitude practices have been shown to lower perceived stress and support the calmer “rest and digest” side of the nervous system. When a child pauses to notice something good, they are sending their body a signal that they are safe.
It lights up the reward system. The adolescent brain has a particularly active reward system. It’s why teens are drawn to novelty, excitement, and the quick hits of social media. Brain imaging research shows that feeling grateful, and especially giving to others, activates these same reward pathways. In other words, appreciation and kindness offer a real, healthy source of the good feeling teens are already wired to seek out.
It trains attention. Our brains are built to notice what is wrong. This negativity bias kept our ancestors alive, but for a teenager scrolling through everyone else’s highlight reel, it can feed comparison and discontent. Gratitude is attention training. The more we practice noticing what is good, the easier it becomes to notice. Research in adolescents links gratitude with greater life satisfaction, more optimism, stronger relationships, and fewer symptoms of depression.
Practice Gratitude
Older kids don’t need a lecture on being grateful. They need practice, a little structure, and room to make it their own.
Revive the thank-you note. Kids hardly write them anymore, but they are still worth the effort. A handwritten note takes a few extra minutes and asks your child to slow down and think about what a gift or gesture actually meant to them. Encourage notes that go beyond presents, too: a coach at the end of the season, a teacher who made a difference, a grandparent just because. Teens are often surprised by how much a short note means to the person who receives it.
Keep a gratitude journal. For older kids, try writing down three things at the end of each day and why they mattered. The “why” is important. It turns a list into reflection, and over time it shifts what they notice. Let this be private; it isn’t something parents need to check. On a hard day, rereading old entries can be a powerful reminder of the good that is still there.
Bring gratitude to the dinner table. Going around the table to share one thing you are grateful for still works with teenagers, maybe especially with teenagers. Keep it light, there are no wrong answers, and expect a little sarcasm at first. Go first and be specific. Hearing what the adults in their life are grateful for, including them, matters more than they will let on.
Make kindness a family value. Volunteer together at a food bank or animal shelter. Bring a meal to a friend who is sick. Rake leaves for an older neighbor. As kids get older, let them choose a cause they care about and take the lead. Acts of kindness give kids a chance to put gratitude into action and feel the joy of giving firsthand.
And Don’t Forget About You
Teens watch what we do far more closely than they listen to what we say, so be sure to say thank you out loud: to the cashier, to your partner, to your kids. Tell your teen specifically what you appreciate about them. Our own state matters too. Kids pick up on our stress, and a stressed, depleted parent sets the emotional tone for the whole house. Your own gratitude practice supports your stress response and your well-being, and that helps the whole family. Start the journal alongside them. You deserve the benefits as much as they do.
A November Starting Point
As we head into Thanksgiving and the busy holiday season, choose one practice and keep it going. It doesn’t need to be perfect, and it doesn’t need to be forced. Older kids may resist at first, and that’s okay. Gratitude grows with practice, and the joy it brings, in giving and in receiving, tends to keep it going.
